Venturing into the real world, you are square into the dating realm. Though clueless about relationships in general you have a clear picture of what to expect in yours. On the flip side people around you seem to be all too eager to get you into one in a rush! “Whatever happened to people finding themselves at their own pace and time”? Their zeal throws you off guard and all of a sudden the blazing gun is pointing at you.
The situation makes you quite uncomfortable; squeamish even. They roll their dice and you feel put on the spot. “I really like you, would you be my girlfriend?” The quick retort would be no. Laced with a hint of taking offense by such a preposterous question. Why would this person dare cramp my style? “How dare they?” “You are special to me and I would like to treat you special.” "Special?" Mounting discomfort on your part, "let us just be friends in fact let us make it a group thing, a group hangout". In the event that you are shown different treatment then a serious clam would meet it up. So serious that at the very moment the niceties would end on your part. Just as to ensure that you are not mincing your words your attention would shift to a person who happens to be in the just friends wavelength.
In the event the statement “I love you” is directed at you then it would be quickly followed by a leave me alone retort. The mind would then race to a place where it would wonder why that particular person would not love someone else? "I am really not up for grabs. I only want to be friends; in fact the person was out of line asking me that. Where and how were these people raised? Asking to love others".
During that period, I only wanted to be invisible. I wanted to sort out my emotional clutter in peace. I knew what I wanted but I had no idea how to get. I needed a minute to figure it all out. I also had baggage weighing down heavily on me and at the time all I knew to do was to repress it. I did not want to be rushed into feeling things that I was not ready to feel. I did not even want to explore my body! As such I was not at a place where I could share my life with someone else. All I knew at that particular point was that I was running from something. I was also at my cynical peak looking down on love and relationships. I was very eager to trade those with a career.
I distasted emotional people. Deep down I thought they were threatening to blow my cover and I was a little jealous of them because they were willing to go there, yes; the feeling place. They were willing to stop and feel. They sure were not laughing their feelings away or minimizing them. My reaction to what I felt led me to think emotional people should not wear their emotions on their sleeves but should look for appropriate places and time to show them. Behind closed doors would be a good start for such people. Better yet those people could learn to bottle their feelings! That was also the time I developed my “tough” talk about how stupid feelings were and as such my peers saw me as a stoic person.
I went through great lengths to ensure that I nipped every form of attraction in the bud. I did not want people to look at me ‘funny’ telling me little nothings. I was well aware that people have an annoying habit of asking me to open up, to feel my feelings, and to show I care. The very same people will ask around inquiring where they stand with me. This was draining on my part since I had confined the relationship “mambo jambo” into the smallest part of my life; that was duly expendable. I therefore was striving to ensure that they would not have the grounds of asking me for a commitment or even thinking to have their life entwined with mine.
Being in a relationship would force me to feel things that I had managed to ignore for the longest time and I had also made myself believe that they did not matter. I thought I was better off thinking about a career and being independent. I also thought that being unattached meant freedom. I would not be at anyone’s beck and call. My misconception was further reinforced by the tales I heard from my acquaintances about having to play hide and seek with their significant others.
Hide and seek meaning not telling their respective partners the truth about where they were or what they were doing. Basically to the people I was around dating meant fronting; playing on what your heart’s desire wants and expects and hiding who you really are. Ultimately those relationships were usually made up of white lies and downright dishonesty. They also seemed not to really matter to the persons involved. Some even became means to ends. They lasted a season and were them put off till the next period of need. Ideally, an on off pattern.
To have, to hold, to cherish sure wasn’t the theme of such unions. As such what I observed relationships to be did not peek my interest enough to have me think of experimenting being in one. To me I thought it would be easier for them to break up than to keep up a front for their supposed relationship partners. Not to mention the ability of someone to keep up a front was more applauded than being in honest, mutually beneficial relationships, which was seen as being whipped, and boring. (I secretly craved for those particular relationships). I was of the opinion that if you were going to strain yourself so much why not just end it.
My experiences growing up left me with a lot of baggage and fears. My observations served to nail the coffin shut. I put off intimacy because what I saw did not feel right. I had a template that I was looking to have fulfilled. The pickings were sure slim and the cynicism was at an all time high. I held back. The thought of intimacy had me scooting in the opposite direction.
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