You really would like to escape from this situation and no you don't want to seem soft. Giving people your real person; soft and cuddly is out of the question. You have it in you out of nurture that the 'strong' get their way. Strong being code for aggressive and borderline barbaric. You do not comprehend why you are so sensitive, so different than your family members. At times thoughts cross your mind that you must have been adopted and you really are not blood related."How could you be? Do they know you are different, emotional and all?" You wonder. You are terrified stiff for them to know you, well aware that there is zero tolerance for the emotional and sensitive people.
You are living with her but you cannot stand her. Maybe it is a good thing that she leaves most nights to be with her boyfriend. But on the flip side, when she does not feel like it she pins it on you. She tells him that she cannot because she has to stay with her sister. "You think, more of torture her (referring to yourself in third person so as to distance yourself from the emotional pain)." Well, if someone asks me that statement is preposterous because you rarely talk to each other. You find her toxic.
Well, you feel strongly against her but your negative feelings do not shield you from feeling the limelight. It is glaring and yes it is pointed right at you. Oh...the weight? It is square on your shoulders. It feels like guilt entwined with sadness and anger. How she put you in their cross fire beats you. You have nothing to do with what they have and yet here she is dragging you into it. "Am I a burden" thought creeps into your head. You are left wondering why you have all these bad feelings and yet you steer out of everyone's way. It is amazing how your guilt gets you into having supper with them at her boyfriend's place. You really don't want to but you feel emotionally trapped.
"I need to get out of this place." That is the constant thought on your mind. Well, you once thought she was the 'safe' sibling.The better evil. The others were violent and imposing. They demanded a lot of your time. It felt that they wanted you to spend your whole life taking care of them. The nurturing in your home was chauvinistic. You, however did not anticipate to feel this miserable. The emotional torture was unbearable. You need to flee fast.
You turn to food. Bingeing. You just need to escape. Food quickly becomes a comforter. You think if you stuff your face with a lot of carbohydrates then you will duly feel drowsy and sleep. Sleep it off. Escape the feelings brewing in you. French fries and cookies are your poison of choice. She hurts your feelings and then she takes off to her boyfriend's. There you are stuck, hurt feelings mixed with negative feelings. They just keep replaying in your head. How you would give an arm and leg to have them stop. To stop feeling the way you are. If not stop, could your feelings just give you a break. You promise you will pick them up later.
The cycle is continuous. In the bid to escape you stop talking to her and stop being interested in hearing how her days went. How does she expect you to be cordial with her. "How dare she?" Yet she is the one who hurts your feelings every time she gets a chance. She is toying with your self worth and instilling feelings of self blame in the same breath. She notices that you have stopped talking then it must be because you do not like her. She sends her emissaries to find out why you don't talk to her and also don't mention her to people. "I am only able to deal with such a person for a given period of time and confine her to the smallest place in your life". You are terrified that her toxins might spread and damage the rest of you. You however, do not give people the reason because you just don't want to talk about or think about it. To you avoiding it is the only way you know how to deal with it. You are scared that talking about it will make it more real.
On the other hand you cannot believe that she is making herself the victim!"Really? Can she even think beyond herself? When she opens her mouth, doesn't she hear herself? "You cannot do anything right, you are conceited, you are too picky, you are too into appearances, you are too weak, you are stolen from every other time, you are too friendly. What is wrong with you?!" Her small talk with her boyfriend was how you were physically abused in the hands of your brother. Can't she see that the things that come out of her mouth are hurtful?" You think that you are not about to justify yourself and your actions. You think she also wants to instill self doubt in you. She must think that if you see that everyone is on her side then you must be bonkers to feel hurt by the way she treats you.
The kicker was that after beating you up emotionally she expected you to like her, to listen to her. She expected nothing less. In her world her verbal abuse was supposed to be cool. You were supposed to roll with the punches. "Ludicrous", you thought.
This is just but a form of emotional abuse that pushes a person to the brink. Pushes someone so far as to hide behind food. To binge.
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