Limbo

The girls seemed to want to know each and every detail about my love life; albeit non-existent at the time. Some were so eager to have me in a relationship that they made it their mission to hook me up. If that did not work fast enough they kept throwing it in my face that well something must just be a tad off with me.

On the other hand I felt really comfortable around girls than guys. In particular around older women who came off as not being uncertain with what they wanted and also; how they lived their life. The Halle Berry photo in my journal gave me great joy to look at after a hard day. To top it all up, I did not take guys seriously.

I was ready to experiment but I did not want a commitment. I just wanted to sample and have a feel of what was out there. On the other hand I did not appreciate everyone’s super interest in my budding love life. I would have liked to sample without their making a big deal of it. This unfortunately did not go as I planned but was followed by a start and stop on my end because of the heavy scrutiny and my feeling as if I was under a microscope.

The girls quickly made an observation that my ‘relationships’ did not last more than three months. The record short interest on my part in a dude lasted a couple of hours. I was tired of their labeling my ‘relationships’ as being based on love. According to me they were based on like. I did not know what love was at that time. I was also sick of their running my ‘relationships’ for me. I tell them what I feel is going on and they continue to say otherwise especially what disrespect and plain rudeness meant. Talk of biased girl talk!

I came up with a list in my head of what to expect in relationships because I was clueless. You see I had missed my teenage. I had only experienced a short crush on two boys back when I was 12 and well we were kids then. I wanted to know what love was. I also wanted to be sure that I was emotionally mature before I jumped into the sack with anyone. At campus people were going at it and experimenting on sexuality at an ‘advanced’ stage but I was comfortable going slow. I really was clueless and I needed to figure all that out. I set out on a ‘fieldwork’ trying to figure out especially what love was.

According to my agenda sex was out of the question till such a time when I would be emotionally ready for it. It then followed that all the people I dated at that time did not get to have sex with me. In that time I became attached to people with my head not my heart. I zeroed in, on what they liked and carried a conversation all too well. Most girls got smitten and the boys loved the challenge.

However, I did not stay with the same girls or guys for long. My queue to leave was when they got too close and came back when they had moved on. Albeit being more than comfortable being just friends. I then further amended my agenda since people were getting hurt. I decided to only hang around bad boys and girls. I was of the opinion that I could not hurt a bad boy or girl because they do not get into relationships for long. At that point I was only learning about the ropes and truly believed that I did not have a lot to offer anyone emotionally.

I came to realize that what was ingrained in my psyche with regard to relationships did not feel good. I needed to start from scratch. Maybe that is what is called the rebellious characteristic of teenage years in which you basically look for what works for you.

I was in a quest of finding who I was and where I fit in. I sampled what felt good and what did not. I was in limbo. I wondered if there was a specific way I should behave. “Do guys want women to behave a certain way?” I knew that I was a tomboy through and through.

“How does a person be feminine?” I wondered if femininity could be learned?

Figuring it out

The pressure to be in a relationship had reached an all time high.  Talk of a lot of coupling going on in dormitories. Two by two was the order of the day and night. Noah’s ark was being given a run for its money. The inquisitions of why I wasn’t in one already was thrown around ever so much. My head was also swirling; do I like guys or girls. Could I at least have things stop for a bit so as to resolve my issues?

I felt strongly against men and even strongly against being an open book. I had locked myself away from intimacy for far too long that I did not know how to approach it anymore. However, my confusion and fears did not stop me from being curious and it sure did not stop years from flying by. I looked at myself some and ended up agreeing to trim my eyebrows. That was as far as I would go with regard to make up.

My curiosity had me keenly observing people who were in relationships. The girls in one acted as if they had accomplished the biggest thing ever. Talk of the highlight of their campus existence! They went on to blow people off so as to spend quality time with their mates. Going at it in between lectures and catching sleepovers as need be. The rendezvous seemed endless. On the flip side, though the relationships started out hot and heavy they fizzled out just as fast in some. This left names such as players and whores thrown around frivolously. On the other hand being left for a close friend was also the order of the day.

I also noticed that broads acted a certain way around their men; coquettish they acted. I thought that it was all-plastic but they said it was the relationship dance. Some admitted to being damsels in distress around their men because it gave their men a rush. The men felt like “Tarzan” albeit figuratively thumping their chest at being in charge. But why would they change their plans at the man’s whim? Could he just call ahead and make plans like a normal person? Oh, they say that men need to be managed to stay. You know, you need to take care of your man.

The men felt very intimidated around me. Apparently I called it as I saw it and that well had a damper on their game plan. They had one too many fish out of water moments because I was not the ideal girl but a tomboy. They also quickly learnt that I am strict. They flipped this strictness to imply that I was not into ‘mating’ rituals and as such I was hard to deal with. Well some referred to it as being boring on my part.

I just did not believe that being in a relationship and overlooking being disrespected was in order. Overlooking disrespect was labeled giving someone a second chance and when the person made the same mistake over and over then you were supposed to bend over backwards and take it. Not to forget that you were supposed to chase them and spell everything out for them. It felt like teaching from scratch. This was referred to as laying the proper foundation.

On the other hand fellow girls seemed to want me to take charge of their lives for them. Kind of like telling them what to do, lead them. Some plain and simple acted coquettish around me too. The girls further got disappointed when I didn’t lead them. They also got disappointed when I talked to guys. I was left wondering; what was with this contradiction? One minute I was pitiable because I wasn’t in a relationship and on the other hand they didn’t want me to be in one.

There I was, being blown out of the water with regard to relationships and also to what other girls were about. I mostly wondered if I was missing something with regard to how girls operated; giving out mixed signals, saying one thing and doing the other. I deliberated in my head about the meaning of their actions and ended up rationalizing that that was the way girl cliques operated. You see I had been one to do things as a one-man army and now I had found myself around a bunch of girls. Yeah, the girly ones at that.