So, if I close my eyes really hard, I definitely won't feel it. I will hold my breath and wait till its over. It will be just like holding my breath when I jump into a pool and wait for the water to bring me up. This, however will come with a twist, the cue will be the climaxing of the person on top of me. If I follow the plan then he won't be able to tell the difference. He will definitely be engrossed in the wonderful sensations he feels.
So, I have heard the sensation is wonderful, out of this world even. As for me I just want to get through with it. I have tried to put it off the best I can but everywhere I go, everywhere I turn; it is the subject of conversation. How "she doesn't have a boyfriend or maybe girlfriend. Why doesn't she give it up?" Okay, this time I have made a pact with myself, I will go through with it. Just as we have played it through our head. Just hold my breath, make sounds and movements likely to suggest to the person on top of me that we are in at the same wavelength. Okay, ready.
More thoughts to convince myself that it is imperative that I take a plunge. After all we would like to have a baby sometime in the near future and this act well, precedes the bun in the oven! Here goes nothing. Okay wait, its just too hard lets be in a relationship first. Now we are in one. Well its time to collect. We do it the first time round. Eek, my mind literally escaped my body!I felt the discomfort that came as a result of penetration. Fear gripped me. It was followed by an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Should it be this uncomfortable, painful. Why does any movement on my part result in his saying that I am squeezing his man part. "Should I just lay there?"
I waited and there was no mind blowing orgasm on my part. "Is this it?" There was ejaculation on his part and well my act went perfectly. The person on top of me was clueless. He looks satisfied that there was mutual gratification. The mind returned and then there was intense sadness; grief.
It was an intense emptiness, I have lost something! I rush to wash it off, take a shower and have a moment to process it. "Can we just talk, hold each other?" He rolls over to sleep if it was a night rendezvous. He has somewhere to be if it was an afternoon hook up."Wow, okay how do I deal with these feelings that come after sex. Showering doesn't help and there is no one to talk to about it.
Lets look on the bright side,it is a naturally act, check, then maybe next time I will feel the pleasure that is acclaimed to sex. No, the next couple of times are worse. With each subsequent time the fear changes into dread. The dread prompts the mind to escape, to save itself from what is being done to the body.It is not me in the act.
After a couple of times I dread it. I dread sex. It always hurts and the feeling after is equally as bad. I get angry and agitated when he wants more of it. He seems insatiable. I don't want to meet up anymore. I think to myself, why can't people be in a relationship without it? I am told sex is what goes on through the minds of adults, get with the program. To acquire the status boyfriend or girlfriend you have to put out. I can't take it anymore. I break up, it is not worth it. I don't want to have sex anymore, it is overrated and painful. I like being emotionally bonded, I like the kissing, the touching and not the penetration part.
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