Limbo

The girls seemed to want to know each and every detail about my love life; albeit non-existent at the time. Some were so eager to have me in a relationship that they made it their mission to hook me up. If that did not work fast enough they kept throwing it in my face that well something must just be a tad off with me.

On the other hand I felt really comfortable around girls than guys. In particular around older women who came off as not being uncertain with what they wanted and also; how they lived their life. The Halle Berry photo in my journal gave me great joy to look at after a hard day. To top it all up, I did not take guys seriously.

I was ready to experiment but I did not want a commitment. I just wanted to sample and have a feel of what was out there. On the other hand I did not appreciate everyone’s super interest in my budding love life. I would have liked to sample without their making a big deal of it. This unfortunately did not go as I planned but was followed by a start and stop on my end because of the heavy scrutiny and my feeling as if I was under a microscope.

The girls quickly made an observation that my ‘relationships’ did not last more than three months. The record short interest on my part in a dude lasted a couple of hours. I was tired of their labeling my ‘relationships’ as being based on love. According to me they were based on like. I did not know what love was at that time. I was also sick of their running my ‘relationships’ for me. I tell them what I feel is going on and they continue to say otherwise especially what disrespect and plain rudeness meant. Talk of biased girl talk!

I came up with a list in my head of what to expect in relationships because I was clueless. You see I had missed my teenage. I had only experienced a short crush on two boys back when I was 12 and well we were kids then. I wanted to know what love was. I also wanted to be sure that I was emotionally mature before I jumped into the sack with anyone. At campus people were going at it and experimenting on sexuality at an ‘advanced’ stage but I was comfortable going slow. I really was clueless and I needed to figure all that out. I set out on a ‘fieldwork’ trying to figure out especially what love was.

According to my agenda sex was out of the question till such a time when I would be emotionally ready for it. It then followed that all the people I dated at that time did not get to have sex with me. In that time I became attached to people with my head not my heart. I zeroed in, on what they liked and carried a conversation all too well. Most girls got smitten and the boys loved the challenge.

However, I did not stay with the same girls or guys for long. My queue to leave was when they got too close and came back when they had moved on. Albeit being more than comfortable being just friends. I then further amended my agenda since people were getting hurt. I decided to only hang around bad boys and girls. I was of the opinion that I could not hurt a bad boy or girl because they do not get into relationships for long. At that point I was only learning about the ropes and truly believed that I did not have a lot to offer anyone emotionally.

I came to realize that what was ingrained in my psyche with regard to relationships did not feel good. I needed to start from scratch. Maybe that is what is called the rebellious characteristic of teenage years in which you basically look for what works for you.

I was in a quest of finding who I was and where I fit in. I sampled what felt good and what did not. I was in limbo. I wondered if there was a specific way I should behave. “Do guys want women to behave a certain way?” I knew that I was a tomboy through and through.

“How does a person be feminine?” I wondered if femininity could be learned?