I was a post teenager and yet I had not taken time to discover my sexuality. My head was buried deep down in the sand of oblivion. The thought of delving into it triggered fear that further threw me into denial and rationalization. “Who needs relationships anyway? Plutonic is the way to go.” I further thought that relationships were a luxury I could not afford since it would require a lot of work to figure it all out.
My attempts at feeling and looking at my body caused me a lot of anxiety. The thought of being in a relationship and being required to share my life sent me into a near panic attack. “You see, I did not know what was expected of me”. The aforementioned effects did not stop thoughts that resulted into my further trans fixation since I did not know what was expected of me as a partner. My being in a rut wasn’t helped by the people around me not being aware of how to go about dating either. It was clear that if I needed to learn about sexuality then I was on my own.
It was clear that I had to start somehow but thinking about it led me into further keeping it bottled up and hence contained. I continued to hang onto me not aware of how to open up. I thought putting it off a little bit longer would result into its working itself out without its tagging at my mind. To add insult to injury, I did not know what love was and as such would not even know if I fell in it.
These setbacks in mind, there was no way I was venturing into an unknown territory. I sought for a dry run so as to know what to expect without really getting into it.The pictures scooting by with regard to sexuality and relationships left a sour test in my mouth. I did not like using the ropes I learnt growing up. Lashing out and being contradictory when shown attention wasn’t exactly working for me. It left me feeling bad that I had to put someone down in the name of affection and yet all they were trying to do was be nice to me.
My hesitancy was turned into motion.Talk of spinning wheels! “So, this girl is literally making passes at me. I can feel that she wants me. I am a bit transfixed since I do not know how to relate in such a situation. I am much better at brainstorming, figuring out the possible scenarios than letting it take its natural course”. There was however, mutual attraction. I was conflicted as I felt what I learnt growing up was not working and is out rightly wrong! The looming downside was that I did not have a new template at hand.
That notwithstanding my feelings literary pulled me into setting the ball rolling. I went over to say hi, staring out my window did not do me justice. I needed her to stop running around in my head. I thought I should just talk to her and see where it went. Talk of making a bold move. It however, did not go well. The conversation was not going well, "ground open up right this minute!" As such she left me in the living room alone. “Wow, where will I hide my face now? Nice work, Amondi.” It was a magnified fish out of water experience. “Oh well, I was better off coming up with my new template and keeping off from taking the plunge for awhile.” Her making passes at me did not stop and she resolved on using other people to talk to me on her behalf. I did not think that was conventional. I cooled off on my end. My new sexuality twist was that I had the hots for a girl!
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