Figuring it out

The pressure to be in a relationship had reached an all time high.  Talk of a lot of coupling going on in dormitories. Two by two was the order of the day and night. Noah’s ark was being given a run for its money. The inquisitions of why I wasn’t in one already was thrown around ever so much. My head was also swirling; do I like guys or girls. Could I at least have things stop for a bit so as to resolve my issues?

I felt strongly against men and even strongly against being an open book. I had locked myself away from intimacy for far too long that I did not know how to approach it anymore. However, my confusion and fears did not stop me from being curious and it sure did not stop years from flying by. I looked at myself some and ended up agreeing to trim my eyebrows. That was as far as I would go with regard to make up.

My curiosity had me keenly observing people who were in relationships. The girls in one acted as if they had accomplished the biggest thing ever. Talk of the highlight of their campus existence! They went on to blow people off so as to spend quality time with their mates. Going at it in between lectures and catching sleepovers as need be. The rendezvous seemed endless. On the flip side, though the relationships started out hot and heavy they fizzled out just as fast in some. This left names such as players and whores thrown around frivolously. On the other hand being left for a close friend was also the order of the day.

I also noticed that broads acted a certain way around their men; coquettish they acted. I thought that it was all-plastic but they said it was the relationship dance. Some admitted to being damsels in distress around their men because it gave their men a rush. The men felt like “Tarzan” albeit figuratively thumping their chest at being in charge. But why would they change their plans at the man’s whim? Could he just call ahead and make plans like a normal person? Oh, they say that men need to be managed to stay. You know, you need to take care of your man.

The men felt very intimidated around me. Apparently I called it as I saw it and that well had a damper on their game plan. They had one too many fish out of water moments because I was not the ideal girl but a tomboy. They also quickly learnt that I am strict. They flipped this strictness to imply that I was not into ‘mating’ rituals and as such I was hard to deal with. Well some referred to it as being boring on my part.

I just did not believe that being in a relationship and overlooking being disrespected was in order. Overlooking disrespect was labeled giving someone a second chance and when the person made the same mistake over and over then you were supposed to bend over backwards and take it. Not to forget that you were supposed to chase them and spell everything out for them. It felt like teaching from scratch. This was referred to as laying the proper foundation.

On the other hand fellow girls seemed to want me to take charge of their lives for them. Kind of like telling them what to do, lead them. Some plain and simple acted coquettish around me too. The girls further got disappointed when I didn’t lead them. They also got disappointed when I talked to guys. I was left wondering; what was with this contradiction? One minute I was pitiable because I wasn’t in a relationship and on the other hand they didn’t want me to be in one.

There I was, being blown out of the water with regard to relationships and also to what other girls were about. I mostly wondered if I was missing something with regard to how girls operated; giving out mixed signals, saying one thing and doing the other. I deliberated in my head about the meaning of their actions and ended up rationalizing that that was the way girl cliques operated. You see I had been one to do things as a one-man army and now I had found myself around a bunch of girls. Yeah, the girly ones at that.